Halloween

Halloween At The Office

[BILL] dressed as pirate, holding bag of tortilla chips from the market Hey, [Shakes]. Is this where the Halloween party is held? I heard we’re meeting in the boardroom?

[Shakes, Media Buyer] dressed normally, holding a crock pot of chili [BILL]? You’re here? What? Are you ok?

[BILL] Yeah. I was kinda told I needed to come. So, where do I put my chips?

[Shakes] Heh. But why the pirate costume?

[BILL] I only own the one costume. I have a tuxedo for the same reason. If you need to go to a party, well, usually a tux or a pirate costume will suffice. What is your costume, [Shakes]?

[Shakes] Watch! (([Shakes] tips over crock pot and a blanket of fake chili spreads out on the floor))

[BILL] still confused Wow. Uh. You’re Emeril Lagasse with a motion disorder?

[Shakes] now confused I’m Kevin! From the Office!

[BILL] relieved Oh. Ok. Yeah, I haven’t seen that?

[Shakes] astounded I’ve heard you talk about Prospero’s Books and Repo Man? You saw that and you missed The Office? It’s perfect for you! You love satire and you are so very non-corporate?

[BILL] The Office doesn’t feature a robot or android. I only watch recommended shows with robots or androids, sorry.

[Shakes] flabbergasted Huh? I don’t think Repo Man has an android or a robot?

[BILL] Right. I’m sure that’s confusing. I chose to watch Repo Man. It wasn’t recommended. Here’s the thing about recommendations from folks, right? I am usually identified as someone who “enjoys content” pretty early. So, people love to help. Watch my favorite show or thing, they’ll say. Then, I have an obligation to react, and well, unless a show has an android or a robot in it, it’s not likely it’s something I have not decided not to watch. Now, if it happens that I have missed that a show has an android or robotic presence, then I get free information about a show I should reconsider.

(([Glass Cat, HR Person] arrives))

[Glass Cat, HR] spinning head lightly to think, has two fake bullet holes as costume Bill? There’s no pirate on the show? Why are you dressed like that?

[BILL] What are you all talking about? I’m dressed as a pirate. This is the costume I own, and I do not have another. I own a tuxedo as well in case of formal events…

[Manyfeek, Fresno Radio Buyer] dressed with a coat and tie, has onion dip Hey muchachos? Guess who I am? “That’s what ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: she said!” Hahahah!

[Glass Cat] delighted Look, [Manyfeek]! I’ve been shot twice!

[Manyfeek] laughing hysterically OMG! That’s SO GOOD! HAHAAHAA!

[BILL] confused So, you guys are coordinated? [Manyfeek] is John Wilkes Booth and [Glass Cat] is Lincoln At Our American Cousin?

[Manyfeek] WHAT! No ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: you ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: nerd! I’m Michael and I’ve shot the HR person twice!

[BILL] Oh. So, Michael is a typical employee with issues with HR. That’s very familiar somehow.

[Glass Cat] spinning head furiously to think for more than 30 seconds at a time [BILL], you are one of the five Action Media Super Dupers. Did you read my e-mail? It said to dress in costume like The Office. We’re doing a skit and each of you five have lines. I think you were supposed to be Jim.

[BILL] nonplussed and non-divided Sounds perfect for me. Who is Jim?

[Shakes] I think Bill should be Dwight.

[BILL] Is Dwight the sexy one?

[Shakes] No

[BILL] Well, that wouldn’t be a good change then. I should be the sexy one. I asked the costume shop for sexy pirate. Is it not working?

[Glass Cat] annoyed [BILL]? What have we said about sexy in the office?

[BILL] I thought we were in The Office or are we in the office?

[Glass Cat] Never mind. [BILL] here are your lines. You are Jim and he is very sexy.

[BILL] Perfect. What’s my motivation for this scene?

[Glass Cat] What? This is the office: money for you and your family’s survival is your motivation.

[BILL] Excellent. I can work with that.

[Glass Cat] Did you bring a funny prop?

[BILL] Sorry?! I was supposed to make a prop? I have my stuffed parrot here. I did connect him up to Claude Code before I left. Would you like to hear the parrot talk?

[Manyfeek] Do I ever! That’s amazing [BILL]! Can I try?

[BILL] lying Absolutely. Ask it a question and I’ll push the submit.

[Manyfeek] raised voice Hey parrot! Are you enjoying the party?

[BILL] talking into lapel mic THIS THEME SUCKS AND I WANT TO GO HOME.

[BILL] continuing Wow. Maybe that was a hallucination? I think I set the effort or temperature wrong?

[Glass Cat] staring [BILL], are you sure that wasn’t your voice? In any case, that prop is not very funny, but let’s just get this done so you can get your $50 Bennigan’s coupon, ok?

[BILL] My family can eat at Bennigan’s. I am fully motivated, [Glass Cat]. Once again, HR is helping me. These are my lines here, right?

[Glass Cat] smiling Great. Jim’s part is at the end. Stand here next to the other four winners.

[Glass Cat] addressing party HI EVERYONE? IT’S TIME TO AWARD THE ACTION MEDIA SUPER DUPERS OF 2026! LET’S SEE THEIR THE OFFICE SKIT AND CELEBRATE THEM!

((Corporate sounds similar to applause))

[Larry, Cool Mail Room Guy] Hey guys, I’m playing Darryl! You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin’ on your biscuit, never having to risk it.

((Room explodes in laughter))

[Manyfeek, Fresno Buyer] Errybody knows me! That’s what ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: SHE ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: SAID!!!

((Room roars in appreciation))

[KayCEE, Janitor] Well, I think everybody knows me as well: “AND I FEEL GOD IN THIS CHILI’S TONIGHT!”

((Room erupts in spasms of joy))

[Linda, Receptionist] Hiya! I’m Dwight! Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

((Room shouts in ecstasy))

[BILL, SVP of Data Engineering] Sorry. I’m Jim, but identity theft isn’t a joke at all. It’s really quite serious and we should…

[Shakes] addressing [Glass Cat] I told you [BILL] should have been Dwight.

[Glass Cat] [BILL]! Can you do your line, please? We can discuss identity theft in a town hall. We’re just having fun!

[BILL] Oh. Ok. Well, I don’t see any lines on my page. It says “Jim stares at camera.” Which camera should I use?

[Glass Cat] [BILL]! Just stare into space, please?

[BILL] Sure. Can I do it sexy pirate style?

[Glass Cat] No.

[BILL] Hm. OK. How is this?

(([BILL] stares with deep passion and watering eyes at the back wall)) ((Room very quiet))

[Glass Cat] Fine. Everyone enjoy the party. [BILL], can we meet in my office?

[BILL] answering Uh. Let’s ask my parrot?

[BILL] talking into lapel mic NO THANKS! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!