Christmas Eve Rave

Getting Ahead in Business · by Bill Berger

Fred looked at the cylinder hat with the two eyes that he had made with black tape as crosses. He checked that everything looked in good order before taking a quick drink. The music was already chugging along and he only had a couple of seconds before he needed to perform again. He turned on the lights to the hat, saw it was good, and clamped the hat onto his skull. He stepped out from backstage to his ten foot high cylinder that acted as his DJ stand. Fred’s hat spelled his alter ego’s name: DeadDBA. Fred’s face was not exposed. He pointed at his partner, DonnaDatahNoMoah as her RecycleBin hat spun to the beat. Donna fired off the light show that displayed “ElectroMAAAS Eeeeve!” on a blast of steam behind both DJs. DeadDBA’s cylinder spun and then clattered while the eyes pinwheeled with steam issuing from the tips. The ironic careerbot hit the beat and tossed out infected USB glow sticks to the crowd. The sticks snarled in time to the music.

The crowd roared its appreciation. Top hats were bobbing as ladies-in-waiting waited rave style. Donna pointed to the crowd and sang her big hit called “Cumulative Update”:

Oh! I got it! I got the Update! Not just the changes! No no not just jjjjjjust the changes. I gots those cumlulative cumulations on my updates you see.

DeadDBA let the beat drop and the steam-driven drums thundered. The bumping and steam whistles started the drop and the Victorian party was on. Top hats in the air and ladies-in-waiting showing their moves:

CUMULATIVE UPDATE PLEASE HOLD ON WE GOTS A CUMULATIVE UPDATE ARE YOU STILL ON!

Oh! I got it! I got the Update! Not just the changes! No no not just jjjjjjust the changes. I gots those extras and devices and pretty UXes that meet my new exes at my courthouse directes. when divorce trial commences.

The DJ’s hat hit the beat at each drop and Fred’s hands pointed out to the crowd. A softy engineer pulled off his hat to expose his long twisted skull. His hair was in glowing cornrows and they spun outward as the senior dev drove his sharp spiked dome into the floor while his legs twisted above in a perfect circle.

Some datah professionals pulled their hats off and rolled down the dance floor as others hopped over in time. Multiple seecurity teams unveiled their torus shaped noggins. Many seceroons pushed their hands through their partners’ cranial holes in a co-ordinated rhythm with glowing fingertip gloves to prove their latest certifications.

A draft blew through the party. Claude and Scrooge stood un-noticed and unreal near the back. Claude stood perfectly still except for one tapping foot that was enjoying the beat. Scrooge scratched under his nightcap as he watched the steam-powered musical melee.

Scrooge finally asked his spirit guide, “What on earth is this?”

Claude turned to Scrooge. It stared with its polychromatic eyes and went completely still. The eyes blazed and steam rose from the spirit’s joints while its foot kept perfect time. Claude’s eyes would smile and blink while both of them waited for its response. After a minute or so, Claude spoke clearly over the racket. “This is your nephew. He is DeadDBA. He does this now with what he learned from you,” the device answered. The spirit took the opportunity to dance a bit before finally losing its agency once more. Its eyes watched its charge and its foot still kept good time.

Scrooge’s skull itched and he scratched at the irritation. “This has nothing to do with softwar. This is trivial. Has Fred done nothing with his head?” he said back to Claude.

Claude started its processing but DeadDBA turned down the music. The crowd was disappointed and looked to the DJ.

“Hey Everybody! Merry Christmas! Guess what I just got! A gift from Uncle Screwed!” yelled the ironically unalive softwar support professional to the waiting crowd.

“Look for the invoice, DJ! Screwed doesn’t give anything without full payment!” said a stranger as people around laughed. “It’s probably a lifetime supply of pachinko balls!” said another to laughter. “Maybe he can ask FauxThought for some FauxFamily next year!” said another to large cheers.

“No. No. No. Uncle Screwed is just a bit pointy, right? Let’s see what it is?” said DeadDBA to the crowd. The DJ opened a small envelope. DeadDBA laughed a bit and then looked out at the crowd.

“$50 USD at NileAwayYourMoney! WOOHOO! $25 more than last year!” bellowed DeadDBA as he held up the gift card over his head. The crowd roared its approval as the music started back up.

Oh! I got it! I got the Update! Not just the changes! No no not just jjjjjjust the changes. I gots those cumlulative cumulations on my updates you see if you cants changes the changes youll always be victums so you needs the updates those cumulations and cumberations those cumulative updates.

Claude answered, “This is a rave. People enjoy themselves here. Have you seen enough? Please say ‘Yes’ to continue.”

Screwed responded as his hands grabbed at his head in pain, “Yes.”

Claude noted as they faded away, “At least he can get whatever he wants at NileAwayYourMoney. I hear they have everyting there …”