Elven Aa

Elf on the Shelf Narc Anonymous Meeting

[Elfie] Hi everyone. I’m Elfie, and I’m an Elf on the Shelf.

[Rest of Group] Hi Elfie.

[Elfie] Well, like all of us, it started simple. I liked to watch the reindeer and made sure Santa knew if there was any malfeasance that still remained from Rudolph’s foggy Christmas debacle a few years back.

[Elfie] Before you know it, the man himself sent me off. I was like, “I’m a good toy maker. Why are you sending me away?”

[Pukie, Dwarf] Hi [Elfie], can I ask a question before you start in?

[Moderator] Please ask a quick question, [Pukie] and then let her finish.

[Pukie] Hi Elfie. Thanks for taking my question. I’m a Dwarf Trying Not To Borf. I’m less well known, but we cover New Year’s Eve just after you stop working. How many rooms do you need to cover on your average job?

[Elfie] answering Hi [Pukie]. Thanks for sharing. I’m usually moved around room-to-room. Ideally, I’m in a good position to get info on my target but not obvious and out in the open. If I’m doing my job well, I’m invisible by becoming commonplace or everyday.

[Pukie] happy Oh, that sounds really hard. I just stay next to the liquor cabinets in my job. Thanks for the answer. Please continue.

[Elfie] continuing So, I’ve seen… Well, I’ve seen a lot. Parents with children that need surveillance. Many families have children that need to be caged like …

[Polly] a parrot CAW! CAW! Before you start up again, can I ask a question as well?

[Moderator] Please be quick [Polly]

[Polly] Olá! No problem. Hi everyone, I’m [Polly] and I’m a Parrot On A Post and we handle Presidents Day. Can I compare notes? Do you know if there’s similar days outside the United States? My family lives in Brazil and we were trying to find more work.

[Elfie] answering I’m not sure, [Polly], but maybe we can parking lot that for now?

[Shamrock, Leprechaun] Sláinte! Hi [Elfie]. Sorry for the interruption, but I need to say something? Hey Pukie! It’s Shamrock from Gnome You Bring Home for St. Patrick. We need to compare notes. You can get good intel just from being near the cabinet? My folks hide their bottles everywhere. It’s insane.

[Pukie] answering Find me after the session, Shamrock. It’ll be good to catch up and, yeah, let’s compare notes.

[Charo, Chinchilla] Hola! Amigos! I am Charo from Chinchilla In A Naranjilla and we’ve just arrived for Cinco De Mayo! I need to hear about St. Patrick’s! Yes! Excellente!

[Moderator] Let’s try to get back to Elfie’s testimonial? Is there anyone else needing help with alcohol usage in your narc problem? It sounds like Pukie, Shamrock and Charo are meeting afterwards, and let’s get anyone else that needs to be in that group identified. Please raise your hand and introduce yourselves.

[Earl, Eagle] raising hand Earl from Eagle On A Needle for the 4th of July in the US. Used to be fine, but the booze is kinda getting out of hand.

[Polly] raising hand Again, I’m Polly from Parrot On A Post for Presidents Day. I should join as well.

[Sam, Shrew] raising hand Hi, Sam for Shrew That Rings True and Valentine’s Day. I’ve got Bob for Rabbit Near An Abbot for Easter with me as well. We should join.

[Bob, Rabbit] looking confused Sam? I can see folks drinking on your day, but Easter? That doesn’t sound like my holiday.

[Sam] disappointed I have seen the “bottomless mimosa,” Bob. You should come.

[Yun, Fox] raising hand Kon’nichiwa ogenkidesuka! I am Yun from Vulpine Near The Shrine for Shōwa Day. May we also be invited to talk about alcohol?

[Moderator] regaining control Please everyone! Let’s stay on the agenda. Let’s try this. Is there anyone who hasn’t raised their hand in the room?

[Elfie] raises hand Well. I didn’t, but I should as well.

[Group] all raises hand.

[Moderator] resigned Well, maybe we should just talk about drinking and not narc-ing. Next session, it’s alcoholics anonymous, ok?